


When it all comes caving in

by Differentshadesofgrey



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Baby Barba - Freeform, Eclampsia, F/M, Gen, Other, Sad!Barba, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, maternal death, original character death, single dad Barba
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2020-11-24 17:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20911637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Differentshadesofgrey/pseuds/Differentshadesofgrey
Summary: The happiest day of Rafael’s life has now become the worst. One minute he was welcoming his son into the world, the next he was potentially planning a funeral. How will he cope on his own with a newborn?





	1. When it all comes caving in

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This will be my first multi chapter story, I’ve got it mostly planned out and hope to update fairly quickly, depending on how much my real life cooperates.
> 
> It’s heavy on the angst and not to be spoiler-y but there is a potential death on the cards, so please be warned. 
> 
> Title is taken from the Ward Thomas song “Carry you home”

Jenna had been introduced to Rafael Barba by way of Rita Calhoun, a meddlesome mutual friend.

She hated blind dates, but Rita had been insistent and relentless in her quest to set the two of them up and so eventually, she had reluctantly agreed to meet the prosecutor for coffee. It turned out to be the best decision Jenna had ever made.

It pained her to admit it but Rita had been right. Rafael was handsome, smart and kind. He was charming and funny, and she found that they had a lot in common. They had talked and laughed for hours. She had known by the end of that very first date that he was the one for her.

Two years later, when Rafael had gotten down on one knee and presented her with his Abuelita’s ring, asking her to marry him, Jenna had been overwhelmed with happiness.

When she found out she was pregnant, just a few months after the wedding, Jenna had worried about how Rafael would react. They had discussed having children, but more of an abstract, sometime in the future type thing. She knew his own childhood had been less than idyllic and that he still struggled with his feelings about his own father.

Jenna’s fears proved to be unfounded. Rafael was overjoyed to learn of his impending fatherhood. He made time in his hectic schedule to be at every doctors appointment, every sonogram. He consumed every baby book he could find, attended birthing classes and fussed over her endlessly. He spent countless hours lovingly talking and singing to her growing belly, and he was by her side, holding her hand and urging her on as she pushed their son into the world. At 7lbs 12oz, with a crop of dark hair and his fathers eyes, Mateo Barba was perfect.

Jenna’s heart swelled as she watched Rafael holding Mateo for the first time, a tender look on his handsome face as he gazed down at his son. She was an only child and had lost both of her parents when she was young. Her grandmother had raised her, but she had passed away almost a decade ago. Before Jenna met Rafael, she had been alone for a long time. She had longed for a family of her own and now she finally had one. Jenna had never been happier.

“I’m so proud of you,” Rafael murmured, kissing her affectionately, “I love you so much.”

Jenna smiled warmly, “I love you too.”

They enjoyed a few precious minutes alone with their newborn before they were inundated with visitors, Rafael’s mother being first in line. Lucia was practically shaking with excitement. She promptly burst into tears when she finally set eyes on her grandson, proclaiming him to be the most beautiful baby to ever have lived. Rita came next, baring expensive gifts and good naturedly reminding them that they had her to thank for all of this, quickly followed by Carmen and then Olivia and the rest of the SVU squad, all of whom offered their congratulations and cooed over Mateo as they took turns holding him.

Eventually, the last of the visitors finally left and Mateo was handed back to Jenna so that she could feed him. She held the baby to her breast and his tiny mouth opened instinctively, his head bobbing as he rooted for a nipple. Jenna laughed, helping him to latch on and softly stroking his head. When he’d had his fill, his little eyelids drooping closed, she gave him back to Rafael so that she could get some sleep herself. She was exhausted.

When Jenna woke, Mateo was sleeping soundly in the crib at the foot of her bed and Rafael was slouched in a chair opposite, snoring softly.

Jenna felt awful. Her head was pounding and her vision was blurry. She winced at the harsh brightness of the hospital lights, black spots dancing in front of her eyes. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to sit up but the small movement made her dizzy. Flopping back against the pillows, she took a deep breath, the blinding pain in her head now almost unbearable. The room was spinning and she felt panic clawing at her chest.

“Raf...” Jenna murmured desperately, trying to get his attention without disturbing the baby. “Rafael, wake up.”

“Huh?” Rafael stirred, blinking sleepily at her. “What is it?”

“My head. It hurts-“ she cut off abruptly, bile rising in her throat. She was going to be sick. Jenna lurched forward, retching, and Rafael was on his feet instantly, grabbing a basin from the bedside and holding back her hair as she vomited violently. When it was over, he rubbed her back gently as she gasped for air. Finally, her breathing calmed and he took a step away from her, towards the door. Jenna was suddenly gripped by a profound sense of dread. She captured his wrist before he could go any further.

“Don’t go.” She begged. “Please. Don’t leave me.”

“I’m just going to get a nurse.” He soothed, his brow creased in concern. “I’ll be right back, I promise.” He turned back towards the door.

“Rafael. I’m going to die.” Jenna whispered fearfully, tears filling her eyes.

“I— What?—“ He stared at her in a mix of horror and confusion.

“I’m going to die.” She repeated, and she knew in her heart that it was true. Hot, silent tears spilled down her face.

“That’s not—“ Rafael shook his head, struggling to form a response. “Don’t say things like that. I’m going to get a nurse and everything is going to be just fine.” He told her firmly as he cupped her face in his hands, gently wiping away her tears.

Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to Jenna’s sweaty forehead just as her eyes rolled back into her head and her entire body went rigid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Apparently, a feeling of terror or dread is a fairly common phenomenon in patients before they suffer a tonic clonic seizure.


	2. And you can’t be brave again

Looking at his wife and son sleeping peacefully, Rafael smiled to himself. He couldn’t remember a time when he had ever been happier. For a long time, he had thought this type of domestic bliss just wasn’t on the cards for him. 

He had resigned himself to a life of solitude, dedicating himself to his work and occasionally indulging in a brief fling to satisfy his needs, never getting too involved. Until he met Jen. He would be forever grateful to Rita for introducing them, it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. 

Rafael had thought that nothing could top the day Jenna had become his wife, but seeing her bring his son into the world was even better. He was so unbelievably happy, his smile so wide he thought it might split his face in two, as they had proudly showed off their son to all of their friends and family. 

Contentedly settling himself into the chair opposite Jenna’s bedside, Rafael found himself quickly drifting off to sleep. 

Sometime later, he was jerked awake by the sound of Jenna’s voice calling to him. She sounded pained and he blinked his eyes open, looking her over with concern.

He jumped to his feet when he realised she was going to vomit, only just getting the basin to her and her hair out of the way in time. He rubbed small circles on her back until the heaving stopped and her breathing evened out. He was worried. Was this normal after childbirth? He didn’t know. He moved away from her, intending to call a nurse, but she stopped him with a tight grip on his wrist. 

When Jenna told him she was going to die, he was terrified. She seemed so frighteningly certain. He didn’t know what to say. He worked hard to keep his voice steady as he tried to reassure her - and himself - that everything would be okay. 

He leant down to press a kiss to her forehead and she went suddenly rigid beneath him. He pulled back, watching in horror as her eyes rolled back into her head and her limbs jerked uncontrollably in some kind of seizure.

Rafael reached out, pushing the emergency call button on the wall and an alarm sounded. Mateo began to wail. 

Suddenly the room was full of medical staff, doctors and nurses seemingly appearing from nowhere, pushing Rafael to the side as they tried to help Jenna. He stood by helplessly, watching a doctor struggling to insert a breathing tube as Jenna gasped for air, her lips turning blue.

A nurse took him by the arm, trying to guide him from the room. “Sir, you can’t be here right now. Let’s go outside, give them room to work.”

“No!” He told her vehemently, fighting against her hold. He couldn’t leave, not now. Jenna wouldn’t want to be alone. 

The nurse tightened her grip on him and tried again, her tone kind but firm. “Mr Barba, please. It’s best if you wait outside. Take care of your son, let us take care of your wife.” Another nurse materialised in front of him, holding Mateo.

Taking his son into his arms, Rafael reluctantly allowed himself to be led from the room. The nurse settled him in another room nearby, promising to come and get him as soon as there was any news. 

He sank down into a chair, holding Mateo tightly to his chest, a feeling of despair threatening to swallow him whole. The baby cried and Rafael rocked him in his arms. “Shhh...” he soothed, even as his own tears began to fall. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay, Mijo.”


	3. Whenever you need a friend, call me

Rafael didn’t know how long he’d been sat in that room. Every agonising minute that he waited felt like an eternity. Mateo had fallen asleep and Rafael tried to find comfort in the steady rise and fall of the baby’s chest against his own.

When the nurse eventually returned, she wasn’t alone. The solemn faced doctor who accompanied her, explained quietly that Jenna had suffered a seizure brought on by eclampsia and by the time they had managed to get it under control, her brain had already been deprived of oxygen for several minutes. They weren’t sure yet, how much damage had been done. Jenna was in a coma.

Rafael stared blankly, struggling to take it all in. He didn’t understand. One minute she was fine, happy, and the next .... This had to be a nightmare, it couldn’t really be happening. He vaguely realised that the doctor was still talking, something about running more tests, before the man got up to leave.

The nurse laid a hand on his knee lightly, shaking him from his daze. “Would you like me to call someone for you?” She asked kindly and he nodded in response, he couldn’t seem to make his voice work. Luckily, she didn’t seem to be expecting him to. She took out a notepad, placing it open on the table beside him along with a pen and he shifted Mateo into the crook of one arm, freeing up a hand so that he could scribble down two names and numbers. When he was finished, the nurse scooped up the notepad and stood, gently touching his shoulder in a reassuring gesture as she left to place the calls.

Olivia got there first. The nurse must have filled her in over the phone, because she didn’t ask any questions, and Rafael was thankful for it. He still didn’t think he could manage to speak. Olivia simply quietly sat down in a seat to the side of him and reached out to take one of his hands in hers, intertwining their fingers without a word. Her silent support was exactly what he needed in the moment and he squeezed her hand gratefully.

Mateo stirred and began to cry. He was probably hungry, Rafael realised, it had to have been hours since Jenna had last fed him. A sudden feeling of panic overwhelmed him. How was he going to feed him? It wasn’t as if _he_ could breastfeed. What was he going to do?

Olivia obviously sensed his anxiety and almost instantly understood. She got up and went to the door. Stopping a passing nurse, she quickly explained the problem. The nurse went away, returning a few brief minutes later with a bottle of donor milk and a syringe, showing Rafael how to use it to feed Mateo and explaining how doing it this way would be less confusing for the baby when they reintroduced him to the breast later.

Syringe feeding was time consuming, but Rafael found it helped calm his mind. Once Mateo was full, he promptly fell back to sleep and Rafael handed him off to Olivia, allowing her to cuddle him for a little while. Without the distraction of the baby though, Rafael felt tense and panicked once again. He paced the floor restlessly, trying in vain to keep his emotions in check. He couldn’t fall apart. He had to be strong, for Jen and for Mateo.

He was doing the best he could, but when his Mamí arrived, pulling him into her embrace, Rafael finally crumpled. He buried his face in her shoulder and sobbed.

“_Oh Rafi_,” Lucia whispered, holding him tightly and stroking her fingers through his hair. “It’s alright, let it all out.”


	4. ‘Cause I’ll be there to carry you home, when you’re on your own so scared

Rafael clung to his Mamí like a child as he cried, big heaving sobs that shook his entire body and left his lungs burning for air. Now that he had started, he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to stop. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. He felt like his entire world was caving in around him.

The kind nurse from earlier returned and Rafael tried to pull himself together enough to face her. She waited patiently, a sympathetic look on her face as he took deep shuddering breaths, fighting desperately to regain some composure. When he had managed to calm himself enough, she informed him that there was no change in his wife’s condition, but the doctors were done running tests for now and she had been moved to the ICU. She offered to take Mateo to the nursery for a while, so that Rafael could be with her.

Rafael was torn. He wanted to see Jenna, needed to be by her side, but he didn’t want to leave Mateo alone. Rationally, he knew that the nurses would take good care of him, but he was afraid to let the baby out of his sight, terrified that something bad might happen if he did. He stood for a moment, paralysed by fear and indecision, until his mother stepped up beside him, stroking his back comfortingly.

“Go, Mijo,” Lucia urged quietly, “Olivia can go with you, and I’ll go with Mateo to the nursery, spend some quality time with my grandson.”

He hesitated. “I— Are you sure?”

“You needn’t worry about us,” she reassured him, “We’ll be fine. I’ll look after him, I promise. _Go_.”

Arriving at Jenna’s room, Rafael stood frozen in the doorway at the sight of her. The nurse had warned him about the machines, and he had thought he was prepared, but the reality of seeing her, laying pale and lifeless in the hospital bed, hooked up to countless tubes and wires, was much worse than he had imagined. She looked so small and fragile. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, willing his feet forward. Olivia was behind him and she gave him a gentle nudge, guiding him into the room and down into a chair.

“I bet you could use a cup of coffee right about now. Will you be alright on your own for a minute?” she asked and he nodded, huffing out a laugh despite himself. She knew him so well. “I’ll be right back.”

As Olivia left the room, Rafael bent forward, resting his elbows on his knees and cradling his head in his hands as a fresh wave of tears threatened to engulf him. He took a steadying breath, then lifted his head. Tentatively, he reached out a hand and carefully placed it on top of Jenna’s where it laid on the bed.

She was deathly white and unnaturally still, but her skin was as soft as ever, and warm to his touch. Rafael watched as her chest rose and fell in time to the whirring of the ventilator, the heart monitor beeping in a slow, steady rhythm and he found that the sound brought him some comfort.

“You should talk to her, there’s a chance she’ll be able to hear you,” the nurse said softly from behind him, making Rafael jump slightly. He hadn’t heard her come in. He turned to look at her and she gave him a reassuring smile. “Sorry, I just wanted to let you know that your son is all settled in the nursery. The doctor should be in to see you in a little while, but if you need anything in the meantime, just press the call button.” He nodded his head, mumbling his thanks as she left.

Rafael leaned in closer to Jenna, reaching out his free hand to tenderly stroke her hair back from her forehead, he knew how much she hated when her hair got in her eyes. He stared at her, drinking in her features, trying to commit every freckle, every eyelash, to memory. God, she was so beautiful, even like this. He willed her to open her eyes. He longed to see them again, lit up with affection, the way they so often were when she looked at him. He loved that look on her face the most, soft and unguarded and happy.

When the doctor arrived, his face was grave. He shut the door behind him with a click, coming to stand at the foot of the bed and Rafael suddenly wished that Olivia hadn’t gone for that coffee. He had a feeling he didn’t want to be alone for whatever he was about to hear.

“Mr Barba, as I explained earlier, your wife suffered a major seizure, which cut off the oxygen to her brain for a substantial amount of time.” The doctor paused and Rafael gave him a slight nod in acknowledgment. “I’m afraid that it appears to have caused extensive damage. The test results show a complete absence of brain stem activity. I’m so sorry.”

Rafael thought absently that he should be thankful he was already sitting down, because he was pretty certain his legs would have given out if he’d been standing up. He stared at the doctor mutely, uncomprehending. He understood all of the words, but he couldn’t equate them with Jen, he didn’t want to. If he did, then that would mean accepting that she was gone. He couldn’t do that. Not when he could see her breathing, could still feel her heart beating. She was clearly alive. The doctor was wrong, he had to be, because the alternative was just too painful.

“At the moment, the machines are working to keep your wife’s body alive. You need to think seriously about how long you want that to continue.” The doctor went on, “I know this is a very difficult time for you, but if you’re willing, we should discuss organ donation. We think your wife would be a very good candidate and if you’d consider—“

“No.” Rafael whispered, cutting the other man off mid sentence as he finally found his voice. “Absolutely not. You’ve got it wrong. Do the tests again. They’re all wrong.”

The doctor gave him a look filled with pity. “Mr Barba —“

“_No_.” Rafael repeated, forcefully this time. “I said repeat the tests. And get another doctor down here, now. I want a second opinion.”

The doctor shook his head, clearly intending to argue, “Mr Barba, please—“ but he was stopped short by the hard, stubborn look on Rafael’s face. It was obvious he wasn’t going to win this one. “Okay,” he finally conceded with a sigh, “If you insist.”

Olivia returned as the doctor was leaving, passing him in the doorway. She set Rafael’s coffee down on the table but he ignored it and her, turning back to Jenna instead. He lifted her hand gently with his own and pressed a kiss to her upturned palm. “Hey..” he whispered. The single word came out strangled. He cleared his throat, trying again.

“You gave me quite a scare.” He told her with mock sternness. “You can wake up now, whenever you’re ready. I’ll be right here.” She didn’t respond. He sighed, feeling a little silly. “Can you even hear me?” He asked quietly. He watched Jenna carefully, studying her face for even the briefest flicker of recognition, but he found none.

“You need to come back to us cariño. I need you.” He whispered shakily, running a hand through his hair. “I can’t — I don’t know how to do this without you. Mateo needs his Mamí. We love you so much —“ his voice broke, the words getting caught in his throat. Tears stung his eyes and he wiped them away angrily, internally chastising himself. He couldn’t let himself fall apart right now, he couldn’t give up on her, not when she needed him most. Unfortunately, his anxious brain didn’t seem to agree. Panic crept up on him swiftly, choking him. His chest felt tight, like he was caught in a vice. He couldn’t breathe.

Recognising the beginnings of a panic attack, Olivia laid a hand on his shoulder as she crouched down in front of him. “Hey, it’s okay Rafa, just take slow, deep breaths for me, that’s it.... good.... everything’s going to be okay.”

Her voice was soft and he recognised the tone, it was the same one she used with victims. Rafael hated it. It made him feel weak. He glared at her, shrugging off her hand, even as he followed her instructions and the tightness in his chest finally lifted.

“Okay?” He spat, eyebrows raised in incredulity, “Seriously?! I’m not okay! Nothing about this is _okay_!” He was yelling now and he knew his anger was misplaced, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. ”She’s gone Olivia. That’s what they’re saying, that she’s _brain dead_! Things are never going to be okay, not ever again! Don’t you understand?!”

He got up from his seat, pacing the room like a caged animal and lapsing into Spanish as he continued his furious, grief stricken ranting.

To her credit, Olivia didn’t react to the acidity or volume of his voice. She just let him go off, saying nothing in return. She knew he needed an outlet and she was happy to provide it. She waited in silence, tracking his movements backwards and forwards across the room as he yelled and paced, until eventually, he was spent. His anger fizzling out to be replaced by the same crippling grief that he had felt previously. His back was against the wall and he sank to the floor in exhaustion, tears streaming down his face.

Olivia moved from her chair to sit on the floor beside him, putting her arm around him and pulling him into a hug. She braced herself for resistance, but he offered none, leaning into her instead. “I’m sorry,” he muttered after a long time, his voice muffled against her shoulder.

“Don’t.” She said simply, pulling back so she could see him. “You can yell and cry and scream at me as much as you want. That’s what best friends are for.” She gave him a ghost of a smile, bumping their shoulders together. “I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through right now, but I’m here for you Rafa, whatever you need. You’re not alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don’t have a medical degree and also am British so I have no knowledge of how things work in American hospitals. (Except that it’s absurdly expensive? Which makes me feel truly blessed that we have free universal healthcare here!) 
> 
> If anything is off, please either suspend belief in the name of fiction, or feel free to correct me and I will fix it ASAP :)


	5. And I’ll be there when it all goes wrong,

Rafael had moved from his spot on the floor back to the chair by Jenna’s side and he held her hand in his own. His body was slumped forward at a surely uncomfortable angle, his head resting on the bed near their intertwined fingers. He slept fitfully, exhausted from the days events and his emotional outburst.

Olivia had slipped from the room once Rafael had fallen asleep, making several phone calls and visiting Mateo and Lucia in the nursery, so that she could update her on the dire situation. The two women talked and cried together as they watched over the infant, allowing themselves to indulge in their own feelings of pain and grief for a short time, before they gathered themselves again. They were both strong women, and Rafael and Mateo would need them to act as such, if they were going to help them get through this.

Sonny could scarcely believe his ears when he had gotten Liv’s call. It seemed impossible, he had seen Jen just this morning, laughing and smiling as he cooed over her newborn. She had been quite obviously tired, for sure, but he thought that was normal. There had been no warning signs as far as he had noticed, no hint at the terrible event that was to follow. The exact opposite, both Jenna and Rafael had been on cloud nine. Completely and blissfully happy. It wasn’t fair. She had so much to live for. Sonny sighed sadly to himself as he approached the hospital, wondering why life had to be so cruel.

Jen and Sonny were close. They were similar in both age and personality, so it was no surprise that they had become instant friends. In fact, they got on so well that Rafael often teased the two of them about their friendship, joking that maybe Jenna should have married the detective instead. Each time, she would roll her eyes fondly at her husband before throwing Sonny an exaggerated wink and making her own joke about considering it for next time, though they all knew there was no truth to it. Jenna adored Rafael.

Reaching the room, Sonny stopped quietly in the doorway, mindful of disturbing Rafael who was still sleeping. He closed his eyes, bracing himself on the door jamb with one hand as he swayed slightly. He hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be to see Jen like this. It took him a moment to collect himself. When he had, he opened his eyes, pushing away from the door and moving further into the room. Dropping into an empty chair, he looked over at Rafael and was surprised to see that the other man wasn’t actually asleep as he’d first thought.

“Hey,” he murmured softly, but Rafael offered no response. His eyes were open, but he made no sign of acknowledgement, he just stared straight ahead, gaze fixed on nothing, as if he wasn’t really seeing anything at all. Sonny’s brow furrowed in concern. He touched his hand lightly to Rafael’s shoulder and Rafael flinched, clearly startled, his eyes flicking to meet Sonny’s briefly, before they settled back on nothing. He made no other attempt at movement. He remained quiet and listless.

Growing up in a house with 3 siblings, Sonny was used to things being loud. The relative quiet of the hospital room set him on edge, the beeping and whirring of the machines just background noise. He found it unbearable. So he began to fill the silence with mindless chatter, alternately addressing both Rafael and Jenna. He babbled endlessly without pause, the same way he usually would, updating them on work, his classes at Fordham, his sisters and nieces. He had always been one to talk and so he did, at length, continuing the conversation even in the absence of a response, hoping to eventually draw Rafael out at the very least.

A solid hour later, and Sonny was just starting in on a story about some guy his sister Gina had met on tinder, when Rafael finally sat up.

“_Jesus_,” he muttered under his breath, “For the love of _god_, please stop talking.” His voice was rougher than usual, but the look he shot Sonny was reassuringly familiar.

“Sorry,” Sonny gave him a sheepish smile, “Sometimes I can ramble on a bit without even realising, y’know?”

“Mmmm,” Rafael sighed in obvious irritation, “I’ve noticed, yes.” He looked annoyed, but at least he was finally talking. Sonny counted that as a win.

Rafael stood from his chair, stretching his arms above his head and Sonny took a moment to regard the older man. His clothes were beyond crumpled and his hair was sticking up at odd angles, probably from running his hands through it repeatedly. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes and they were red rimmed and puffy from crying.

Sonny eyed him critically, wondering how long it had been since Rafael had really slept - by Sonny’s count, it had to have been coming up to at least 24 hours - and when was the last time he ate? There was nothing in the room beyond an untouched cup of coffee, now ice cold. He knew Rafael well enough to be sure that he wouldn’t leave Jenna’s side, not for something as selfish as taking care of himself, unless someone made him. Sonny was debating with himself, trying to decide on the best way to suggest he take a break without further upsetting him - because he knew Rafael hated to be coddled - when Rita Calhoun walked in.

“You look like hell,” Rita said in lieu of a greeting and Sonny cringed inwardly at her bluntness. Though he didn’t disagree, he certainly wasn’t about to say it out loud. Rafael turned to glare icily at her, but he also lifted a hand to pat at his unkempt hair in a futile attempt to flatten it.

Crossing the room in quick strides, Rita first pulled Rafael into a hug and then she held him at arms length, taking a good look at him. “Seriously Rafael, you’re a mess.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Thanks.” He muttered.

“Go home. Take a shower, get some sleep.” Rita ordered decisively, a stern look on her face. Rafael stared at her as if she’d grown two heads.

“I can’t leave.” He said, and his tone made it clear that he thought that much should be obvious. “I have to be here when she wakes up.”

Rita’s expression softened instantly. “Rafael...” she started gently, “You know—“

“_Don’t.”_ Rafael whispered harshly, cutting her off. “Don’t you dare say it.” He turned away from her, his voice trembling. “_Please_. I can’t— I don’t want to hear it.”

Rita sighed. “Okay.”

“Maybe going home’s not such a bad idea,” Sonny interjected, reaching out to grasp Rafael’s arm. “Just for a little bit, y’know. Take a break. She’s going to need you if — _when_ — she wakes up and you’re not gonna be any good to her like this.”

“I’m not going home. I’m _fine_.” Rafael insisted stubbornly. “I’m not leaving her here alone.”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I do.” Sonny placated, “But listen, Rita’s here, right? So maybe she can sit with Jen for a little while, and you and I could go for a walk? We can stay close by, just go up to the nursery, check on Mateo. I bet he’s missing his daddy, huh? Then maybe we’ll swing by the cafeteria on our way back, get something to eat? It won’t take long.”

Rafael’s face twisted at the mention of Mateo’s name and Sonny knew that he had him. It was a cheap tactic, using his son to manipulate him, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Rafael needed a break before he had a break_down_ and if nothing else, Sonny was determined to at least get him to eat something. He was also secretly hoping that Lucia Barba and Olivia Benson combined might be able to convince Rafael to actually go home and get some real rest. He crossed his fingers as he headed for the door.


	6. Just to show you someone cares

Rafael approached Jenna’s bed, reaching out to caress her hair. “I’m just going to see Mateo,” he whispered tenderly, “I’ll be back soon, mi amor.” He kissed her on the forehead, closing his eyes and allowing himself to linger for a moment. Then he straightened and turned, following Sonny to the door. 

Sonny was silent on the walk through the hospital and Rafael was grateful for it. His temples throbbed dully, so many thoughts and emotions swirling in his mind all at once that he couldn’t really get a grasp on any of them, and he was so tired, he could feel it in his soul. 

Fear and sadness threatened to crush him at every turn. 

Rafael had thought that seeing Mateo would make him feel better, but he was wrong. Instead, guilt lurched painfully in his gut at the realisation that he had spent a grand total of just a few hours with his son in the time since his birth, and if Rafael was being totally honest with himself, he had scarcely even thought of the infant since then. He was too consumed with worry over Jen, too wrapped up in his own feelings. He had been a father for less than 24 hours and he was already failing, he thought to himself miserably as he held the baby in his arms. The sensation only intensified when Mateo began to wail, as if he could sense his fathers unease, and though Rafael tried in vain to comfort him, it seemed that the harder he tried, the louder the baby cried. 

Feeling horribly overwhelmed, Rafael looked to his Mamí for help, and was equal parts relieved and embarrassed when she took the screaming infant from him. She made it look so easy, which only made Rafael feel worse. What kind of father couldn’t even soothe his own child? He watched as Lucia rocked Mateo gently back and forth with practised ease, singing him softly to sleep with a Spanish lullaby that Rafael recognised as one his own abuelita had sung to him as a child. She nudged Rafael down into a chair and carefully shifted the sleeping baby back into his arms.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Rafi,” His mother chided gently, giving him a knowing look. “You’ll get the hang of it soon enough.”

Rafael highly doubted that and he was about to tell her so, when they were interrupted by a nurse, who had come to insist that two of them would have to leave. Visitors were strictly limited to two at a time, she informed them.

“Okay, we’re sorry, but could we maybe just get, like, ten more minutes?” Sonny asked, flashing her a smile that was all dimples. The young woman bit her lip, unsure, and Sonny turned up the charm. “Please? Consider it a personal favour to me. I’ll owe you one.”

“Five.” She said finally, a blush staining her cheeks. “Five more minutes, but that’s it. I guess it’s okay, since he’ll be getting discharged soon anyway.”

“Discharged?” Rafael frowned.

“Yes, of course, he’s perfectly healthy.” The nurse smiled brightly. “No sense in keeping you all here any longer than necessary.” 

Rafael bristled, his frown deepening. The nurse didn’t seem to notice, she was too busy making heart eyes at Sonny. 

“I bet you can’t wait to get him home, huh momma?” She said cheerfully, turning to Olivia. 

“Oh! No, I mean— I’m not—“ Olivia stuttered awkwardly as she rushed to correct her. 

Rafael stood abruptly, placing Mateo back in his crib. “His mother is in a coma.” He snapped. 

Some small, sadistic part of him felt a sense of satisfaction at the look of sheer mortification that crossed the young woman’s features. He knew that he was being mean, it was clearly an innocent mistake, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

“Oh my god! I— I’m so sorry,” The nurse spluttered, “I didn’t realise—“

Rafael ignored her, moving swiftly towards the door without another word. He needed to be alone for a minute. He felt sick to his stomach. Mateo couldn’t be discharged, not yet. Not without Jenna. They couldn’t go home without her. It wouldn’t be right. 

He made his way out of the room and down the hall, ducking into the nearest bathroom. He stood at the sink, turning on the tap to splash cold water on his face and grimacing when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. Rita was right, he really did look like hell. 

The bathroom door swung open suddenly and Rafael looked up, seeing Sonny reflected back at him in the mirror. He fought the urge to roll his eyes, he should have known the other man would follow him.

“You okay?”

“Not really.” Rafael told him honestly. Reaching for a paper towel, he quickly dried himself off, trying to ignore the way his hands were shaking.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.” Sonny conceded with a nod.

Rafael pushed off from the sink and gestured for Sonny to lead the way out of the bathroom.

Once again, Sonny was silent as they walked. When they reached the hospital cafeteria, Sonny sent Rafael to sit at a table in a quiet corner of the room, whilst he went to see what they had on offer that looked edible. Unfortunately, that wasn’t much. The tray he set down in front of Rafael contained something very vaguely resembling lasagne, a sad looking salad and a chocolate pudding cup.

“This is the best I could do.” Sonny said with an apologetic shrug. “I mean, it’s not great,” He pulled a face as he started to eat, “Better than nothin’ though, I guess.”

Rafael hummed in answer, picking up his own fork and moving the food around his plate a bit. He wasn’t hungry.

“Rafael,” Sonny sighed, “You need to eat.”

He could feel Sonny’s eyes on him, watching and waiting, so he brought the fork to his lips, forcing himself to take a bite. He only managed two mouthfuls before his stomach roiled in protest and he pushed the plate away. 

“Pudding?” Sonny asked hopefully, holding out the little pot. “It’s chocolate.”

Rafael shook his head. 

Sonny let out another sigh but didn’t say anything. He got to his feet, clearing away the trays without further comment and returning with two cups of coffee. He set one cup down on the table and held the other one out to Rafael.

Rafael reached out to take it with an unsteady hand and it slipped from his grasp, hot coffee spilling out everywhere. He cursed, jumping up and drawing the attention of everyone nearby, as he tried to avoid being covered in the liquid as it spread. 

Grabbing a handful of napkins, Rafael tried unsuccessfully to mop up the mess he had made, but he only succeeded in making it worse, knocking over the second cup in the process. Coffee dripped from the table, pooling at his feet and he felt tears stinging his eyes. 

“Hey, it’s alright, here, I got it.” Sonny said kindly, encouraging Rafael back to his seat and making quick work of cleaning up. When it was done, he sat back down across from Rafael. “No use crying over spilled milk — or coffee — am I right?” He joked with an easy smile. 

“Seldom.” Rafael replied almost reflexively, letting out a watery laugh and Sonny chuckled in response. 

As he wiped at his eyes, Rafael realised belatedly that his hands were shaking again. He dropped them into his lap, but he could tell from the way Sonny’s eyes tightened in concern that the detective had noticed. 

Rafael looked away, studiously avoiding eye contact. He didn’t want to see that look on Sonny’s face. The same one he’d seen on Olivia’s and Rita’s and his mother’s, the doctors and nurses. He couldn’t stand it. Everyone was so concerned about him, when they should be concerned about Jenna. She was what mattered. 

He knew it was his fault that everyone was so focused on him. He obviously wasn’t coping very well. He felt a surge of anger towards himself. He should be holding it together, not crying over a cup of coffee for fucks sake! Rafael was generally something of an expert at keeping a hold on his emotions, staying calm under pressure. It had always been a point of pride for him, being in complete control at all times. Except he wasn’t in control here and there was nothing he could do to change that. It made him feel vulnerable, weak, when he was supposed to be strong. He had to be, if Jen was going to get better, and he had to believe that she would. The alternative wasn’t something he could even contemplate. 

Rafael didn’t care what anyone said, he wasn’t about to give up on her. Not now, not ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is kind of a filler chapter, a little bit of insight into how Rafael is feeling. 
> 
> The next few chapters will be pretty heavy, getting into the hard part now, lots more angst ahead!


	7. When the red lights stop your tracks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: I really struggled with this chapter for a while. I wrote it and re-wrote it about a million times before it finally dawned on me that the problem was that it just didn’t work as a reader insert. The reason for that will become pretty obvious and honestly it was a bit stupid of me not to see it sooner.
> 
> So, I had to go back and change the whole thing and now it’s Barba/OC, I guess and Mrs Barba has a name of her own.
> 
> This chapter is angst heavy and it’s gonna be rough for a while tbh.

On the way back to Jenna’s room, Sonny had gotten a call from Amanda. SVU had picked up a new case, and Sonny had no choice but to go back to work. Rita, too, had to leave, she was due in court and couldn’t get a continuance. Lucia and Olivia were still in the nursery, trying to delay Mateo’s discharge by as long as possible. 

Rafael has assured them all that he would be perfectly fine on his own for a while, and he would have been, if it wasn’t for the fact that the doctor chose this time to finally reappear. Rafael struggled to recall his name - Carlton maybe? Carlson? Car-something.

This time, he was joined by a female companion. The new doctor was older and she had the air of someone in charge. She strode confidently into the room, shaking Rafael’s hand with a firm grip and introducing herself as Dr Samuels, Head of Neurology. Dr _Carson_ hovered nearby, giving off a nervous sort of energy that grated on Rafael’s nerves. He cleared his throat as if to speak, but promptly snapped his mouth shut when Rafael scowled at him.

Dr Samuels gave no hint that she had noticed Rafael’s cold demeanour towards her colleague. She simply motioned for Rafael to sit, then took her own seat next to him and turned to face him. Her expression was one of compassion and her eyes were kind, but there was no trace of pity in her gaze and Rafael found that he liked her all the more for it.

“Mr Barba, I understand that you wanted a second opinion on your wife’s condition.” Dr Samuels started, her voice calm and measured. “I’ve had some time to review her chart and go over the test results. Unfortunately it’s not good news.”

Rafael shifted in his seat, side eyeing Dr Carson, who was still standing by the door.

“Jenna’s brain was deprived of oxygen for a long time during the seizure and the damage caused by that is irreversible. I’m sorry to say that the tests have shown zero brain activity.”

Rafael felt the prickle of tears and he tried to blink them away, shaking his head firmly. “Maybe she’ll get better. There’s still a chance she might wake up. People come back from these things, you hear about it all the time. Someone’s been in a coma for years and then suddenly they make a miraculous recovery? It happens.” He insisted stubbornly.

“That’s not going to happen here, Mr Barba.” Dr Samuels said gently. “There’s no brain function, your wife’s body is only being kept alive by the ventilator. I’m very sorry.”

Rafael reached out to grasp the doctors hand desperately. “Please. There has to be something you can do, some treatment or clinical trial or ..... _something_.” He begged, voice trembling as his tears finally spilled over. “I don’t care how much it costs, I’ll do anything. _Please_. I can’t lose her.” 

“Mr Barba,” Dr Samuels sighed sadly. “I know that this is difficult to accept, but I need you to understand, there is no hope of recovery. I’m afraid we’ve done all we can. From a neurological standpoint, Jenna is dead. It’s time to let her go.”

Rafael frowned and looked away, slowly withdrawing his hand from hers, as the reality of her words sank in. He didn’t want to believe it, even though he knew deep down that it was true. Jenna was gone. He cleared his throat and wiped at his eyes, trying to get his emotions under control. “You want me to agree to turn off the ventilator, donate her organs.” He said flatly. It wasn’t a question, he already knew the answer. 

“Yes.” Dr Samuels answered tentatively, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. “But we don’t have to discuss that right now. I understand how overwhelmed you must be feeling. Nothing needs to be done right away. You must have family and friends you’d like to be here, you can spend some time with Jenna, say goodbye.” 

Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, biting his lip. He took a deep breath in through his nose to steady himself, willing himself not to start crying again. He felt like he was moments away from shattering into a million pieces. He exhaled shakily and Dr Samuels squeezed his shoulder as she rose from her seat. “Take as much time as you need.” She told him kindly.

“How did this happen?” Rafael whispered, his gaze fixed on Jenna. “Why didn’t anyone notice she was sick?”

“Postpartum eclampsia is very rare.” Dr Carson answered from his place near the door. “We had no way of knowing— “

“Isn’t it your job to know?” Rafael snapped, turning to glare at him. “Didn’t you take an oath to care for your patients?”

Dr Carson blinked stupidly at him for a moment, clearly confused by the sharp turn in the conversation. “Well, yes of course, but it isn’t always as simple as that. Your wife seemed healthy, her delivery progressed normally. In hindsight her blood pressure was a little high, but —“

“So there _were_ warnings signs, and you missed them?” Rafael hissed icily. He was overcome by a profound hatred for this man, deciding he was certain that Dr Carson was the one responsible for Jenna’s death. He needed to blame someone, and if not the doctor, then that only left himself.

“Yes — No! I mean —That’s not— This wasn’t —“ The doctor struggled to form a sentence, searching for the right thing to say.

“This is your fault.” Rafael growled, getting to his feet suddenly, hands clenched into fists at his sides. Dr Carson took an involuntary step backwards, hands raised in supplication. He looked afraid and if Rafael hadn’t been so furious, he might have found that comical, the man had to be 20 years younger than Rafael and easily twice his size. “_You_ let this happen. If you had done your job properly, my wife would still be alive. Jenna is dead because of your incompetence.”

“Mr Barba, please, try to calm down —“

“_Calm down_?” Rafael spat, his face turning red, as anger coursed through his veins. He took a step towards the other man and Dr Carson moved backwards, his back hitting the wall behind him. “You _killed_ my wife!” 

Rafael had never been a violent man, he had seen enough of it from his father as a child that he had sworn he would never be like that. But in that moment, he wanted to hit something, some_one_. He wanted to yell and scream and break things. His mind was clouded with rage. 

Dr Samuels had so far been silent, but now she stepped in between the two men. “Okay, that’s enough.” She commanded with quiet authority. “I think it’s best if we continue this conversation another time.” Rafael clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring as he folded his arms across his chest, but he didn’t argue.

“You can go now, Dr Carson. Thank you.” Relief flooded the young doctors features at the dismissal and he made a hasty retreat, glancing warily at Rafael as he left.

Rafael turned away, walking to stand by the window on the other side of the room. It was dark outside and he realised that he had no idea what time it was, or what day, even.

“Anger is a very natural response to grief. It’s understandable, but I’d appreciate it if you could try to control your temper.” Dr Samuels said evenly, shaking him from his thoughts. “I think it’s best if I give you some space. It’s late. If it’s okay with you, I’ll come back tomorrow and we can discuss what happens next.”

Rafael completely ignored her, giving no indication that he had heard her at all and Dr Samuels hesitated in the doorway. She was reluctant to leave him alone in such an emotional state. “Is there anyone I can call for you?”

He shook his head minutely, not quite trusting himself to speak.

“You’re sure, you’ll be alright on your own?”

Rafael gave a curt nod, still with his back to her, but he seemed calmer and so the doctor accepted that as her cue to leave. Staring out at the twinkling lights of the city and the flow of traffic below them, Rafael had never before felt so completely and utterly lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance, Depression - the five stages of grief. 
> 
> Grief is such a personal thing, no two people will experience it the same. There’s no “right” way to handle it. Overwhelming anger is very common, as is looking for someone to blame. 
> 
> Some people’s reaction to losing a loved one will follow the stages in order, some will skip a stage all together, many times people will bounce around from one to another and back again, much like poor Rafi does here.


	8. And you know you can’t turn back

Lucia came to check on Rafael sometime later and found him standing at the window, where Dr Samuels had left him hours before.

He listened mutely as his mother explained that Olivia had gone home for the night. She needed to see Noah and to ask Lucy to stay with him a while longer. On her way back, she would stop by Rafael & Jenna’s apartment, to pick up a fresh change of clothes for him and some things for Mateo. The baby was to be discharged at some point the following day and Rafael’s heart ached at the thought of taking his son home, alone.

His anger had begun to cool and was replaced instead, by a bone deep feeling of numbness. It was as though he were a casual observer, watching this awful event unfold in the life of a complete stranger. He was calm as he informed his mother of Jenna’s final diagnosis and parroted back the conversation he’d had with Dr Samuels, almost word for word, in a steady monotone.

Lucia cried, hugging Rafael tightly and he allowed her to hold him, though he found her embrace brought him no comfort. Rafael didn’t cry. He was past that now. What would be the point? His tears wouldn’t bring Jenna back to him.

When Dr Samuels returned, she was alone, having thought it best for all involved that Dr Carson not be present. Rafael agreed readily to the organ donation. There was no question in his mind, he knew that Jenna would have wanted it. Dr Samuels explained the process in depth and waited patiently whilst Rafael carefully studied the paperwork before signing it.

Then, Rafael sat quietly in the corner, watching as one by one, their closest friends and family filtered into the small hospital room to see Jenna one last time. The same people who just a few days before had congratulated them on the birth of their son, now offered Rafael their condolences instead. The parade of people seemed endless, and though Rafael didn’t begrudge any of them their last few moments with Jenna, he was glad when they were all finally gone.

All that was left was for Rafael to say his own goodbye. His mother and Liv had both offered to stay, but he had said no. Perhaps it was selfish of him, but he didn’t want to share this with anyone else. He wanted Jenna’s last minutes to belong solely to him, and to Mateo.

Ushering them out, Rafael shut the door and sat himself down on Jenna’s bed, at her side. Then, mindful of the breathing tube and wires from the various monitors, he carefully placed Mateo onto Jenna’s chest. He supported the infant with one arm and with his free hand, he gently stroked Jenna’s hair, her face, her arm, touching anywhere he could reach. The baby fussed for just a moment before he snuggled in closer, settling against his mother contentedly and Rafael held them both, talking quietly to Mateo about Jenna, telling him story after story, until long after his little eyes had closed in sleep.

Eventually, he heard Dr Samuels knock at the door, signalling that it was time. Rafael wasn’t ready, how could he ever be ready? But he knew that he had no choice.

He knew Jenna probably couldn’t hear him, but he still felt like he should say something comforting and selfless, about how it was okay for her to go and that he’d be fine without her and he tried, he really did, but he just couldn’t do it. The words caught in his throat, because he knew that they were false. He never had been able to lie to Jenna, and the truth was that he didn’t think he was going to be able to survive without her. So, he settled instead for telling her how much he loved her. He leaned in close, whispering softly in her ear in a mix of English and Spanish that he knew she’d always found endearing, and then, finally, he pressed one last kiss to her forehead before he withdrew.

He scooped Mateo up, cradling the infant in his arms as he moved aside to let the hospital staff take Jenna away. Surgeons were waiting in the operating theatre, to harvest her organs. Rafael was torn somewhere between relief and devastation that he wouldn’t actually be there to watch as Jenna took her final breath.

At least, he told himself, even though this was the very worst day of his life, today, someone else would be getting the news that their loved one was going to live, because of Jenna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: :(


	9. When you need a light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There’s a flashback in this chapter. I’ve put it in italics so hopefully it’ll be clear where it begins and ends.

Rafael was dreading going home without Jenna. Walking into the apartment again for the first time proved to be even harder than he had anticipated. Everywhere he looked was a reminder that she should have been there. 

He tossed his keys onto the end table by the door and saw Jenna’s there too. Her jacket still hung on the rack where his own would go, her favorite beat up pair of Converse underneath it. He made his way to the living room, placing Mateo’s car seat down, the infant still strapped in and sleeping. Jenna’s sweater was draped across the back of the couch where she’d left it. Her face smiled out at him from the framed photos on the mantle.

Her dog eared copy of “Pride and Prejudice” was on the coffee table, the same one that she’d been reading the very first time they had met. Jen had read it so many times she could quote the entire thing from cover to cover, but just a few days earlier, she had asked Rafael to read it to her. He ran his fingers lightly across the front of the book, closing his eyes as he remembered. 

_Rafael sat on the couch, legal pad in his lap and socked feet propped up on the edge of the coffee table, next to a mass of case files and documents. He chewed on the end of his pen absently as he glanced down the page at the frustratingly few lines that he had written so far. He was trying to finish his opening statement for an upcoming trial, but he was constantly distracted by his heavily pregnant wife cleaning around him incessantly. The baby was due in less than a week and Jenna was in full on nesting mode. Rafael had arranged to work from home as much as was possible so that he could help out and to make sure he would be there when she went into labor._

_“Jen,” He sighed, when she shoved his feet to the floor and started gathering up his paperwork, so that she could wipe down the coffee table - for the third time in less than an hour. He didn’t even understand why. The apartment was already spotlessly clean. “You’re supposed to be resting.”_

_He captured her wrist and she stilled for a second before she shook him off, continuing her task. “If you’d stop making so much mess, maybe I could.” She muttered._

_“I’m not — what mess?! This place is so clean we could eat off the floors.” He scoffed. Jenna clicked her tongue, wordlessly gesturing to the files and papers scattered across the table and he fought the urge to roll his eyes. “I’m working.” _

_“Yes, but why are you working in my living room and not in the home office that you insisted you needed, y’know, for work?”_

_“Uhhh, because you asked me not to?” He frowned in confusion. _

_Jenna narrowed her eyes at him. “I asked you not to work at all. I didn’t ask you to come in here and make the place look untidy. I said I wanted to spend time together. Just being in the same room isn’t the same thing Rafael.” She huffed._

_Rafael bit his tongue to stop the sharp retort that threatened to spill out. That wasn’t what she had said, at all, and she definitely never asked him not to work. Rafael was fairly certain, but he decided against contradicting her. He might be stubborn but he wasn’t totally stupid. You don’t argue with a hormonal pregnant woman, not unless you have a death wish. Rafael had learned that the hard way, more than once over the last 9 months. _

_“You’re right, I’m sorry cariño.” He apologized instead. “How about I take a break and we can do something together? Whatever you want.”_

_“Will you read to me?” She asked hopefully, already moving toward the bookcase. Her mood changed so quickly and so often he was surprised he didn’t have whiplash. That was one thing he wouldn’t miss about Jenna being pregnant. _

_“If that’s what you want, sure.” He agreed easily. _

_Jenna quickly selected a book and then she made her way back to the couch, easing herself down to sit beside him._

_The cover was partially obscured by her hand, but Rafael immediately recognized it as Pride and Prejudice. It was her favourite book. He raised an eyebrow at her. “You want me to read something to you that you’ve read yourself a million times over?” _

_“It’s for the baby.” She insisted. _

_“Ohhhh, it’s for the baby.” He said with a smirk, tossing his legal pad on the table and taking the book from her, thumbing the well worn pages. “I see.”_

_“Babies can learn to recognise voices in the womb and even tell them apart. He already knows you and he finds his Papi’s voice very soothing.” Jenna explained. “The more he hears you, the better. Reading to them is supposed to be good for bonding.” _

_“Makes sense.” He conceded, tipping his head. _

_“Besides, it’s never too early to foster a love of books.” _

_“Our kid is bound to be smart though. Don’t you think I should be reading him something more educational?” He asked, unable to resist the urge to tease her._

_Jenna pouted at him. “Classic literature *is* educational Rafi.”_

_“Well, yes, but when I think of the classics, I think Homer’s Odyssey or Shakespeare or Hemmingway. I mean, Austen’s okay, I guess, if you’re into that sort of thing.” He said, as seriously as he could manage. “Pride and Prejudice isn’t even her best work, I wouldn’t really call it a classic.”_

_“Bite your tongue!” Jenna gasped. “Of course it’s a classic! And for your information, Jane Austen is widely considered to be one of the greatest British writers of all time.” She looked so utterly outraged that Rafael couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re not funny.” She glared at him and he held up his hands in mock surrender. _

_“Okay, okay. I take it back.” He leant over, gently pulling her in with one hand on the back of her neck and the other at her hip, so he could press a light kiss to her lips. “I was only teasing. Forgive me?”_

_Jenna pursed her lips, making a show of thinking about it. “I *suppose* so.” She said finally, smiling as she leaned in for another kiss. “You’re lucky that I love you so much.”_

_Rafael hummed in agreement. He stroked his thumb across her cheek tenderly as he brought his other hand around to rest on the swell of her pregnant belly. “I am.” He said sincerely, meeting her eyes. “I think I might be the luckiest man alive.”_

_“Uh huh.” Jenna rolled her eyes at him, but her smile lit up her whole face. “The sappiest too.” She said and Rafael laughed, dipping his head to kiss her again. When he pulled away, he shifted himself down onto his back, laying his head in Jenna’s lap and opening the book._

_“You know, your voice might just be my favorite sound in the whole world.” She murmured as she gazed lovingly down at him._

_“Really?” He blinked in surprise. _

_“Mmhmm. I think I could listen to you talk for hours and hours and never tire of it.” She sighed happily, carding her fingers through his hair._

_He grinned up at her. “Now who’s the sap?” He teased._

_“It’s true.” Jenna shrugged, smacking him lightly on the arm. “Now, shut up and read.” She demanded. _

_He opened his mouth to make a smart ass comment about it being impossible for him to both shut up and read at the same time, but he changed his mind when he saw the look on Jenna’s face. She was smiling at him in that soft way she had, her eyes so full of love for him, that it never failed to make his heart stutter in his chest. _

_He reached up a hand to push a stray lock of hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ear and she leaned into his touch. Shifting his attention back to the book, he turned to Chapter one and cleared his throat. _

_“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.......”_

They had been so happy then, but now the memory was tainted, serving only to remind him of what he had lost. 

He felt the same way when he looked at his son. Bringing a new baby home for the first time was supposed to be a joyous occasion, but Rafael only felt sadness. He was overwhelmed by it and he quickly retreated to the bedroom where he could be alone. 

Not bothering to switch on the light, he stripped off his clothes on his way to the bathroom. He caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror as he climbed into the shower and he wished he hadn’t. The person staring back at him was a stranger, he looked nothing like himself. At least the hot water soothed his aching muscles, even if it did nothing for the ache in his chest. He reached blindly for the shampoo, and realized too late that he’d grabbed Jenna’s instead, the familiar smell of strawberries and vanilla surrounding him as he washed his hair. He rinsed it off almost immediately, but the scent lingered. Getting out of the shower, he quickly dried himself off and then he went to the closet to grab some clean clothes, but he stopped at the door. The closet was a walk-in and all of his clothes were in there, but so were Jen’s. He couldn’t face going in, not yet. He turned away, grabbing a t-shirt and sweatpants from the hamper instead. He would never usually have dreamt of wearing dirty clothes, but they didn’t smell bad and ultimately he decided it was worth it to avoid the closet. 

Exhausted, he curled up on the bed and tried to nap, but he couldn’t fall asleep. Memories of Jenna played through his mind on a loop, like a home movie that couldn’t be switched off. He lay in the dark, Jenna’s pillow clutched to his chest. Images of her flashed behind his closed eyelids — the way her eyes lit up when she laughed, the soft smile she saved only for him, the look on her face as he moved inside her. He could still smell her shampoo, mixed with her own unique scent that clung to the soft cotton of the pillowcase and he buried his face in it, inhaling deeply. He missed her so much already, how was he supposed to face a lifetime without her?

He stayed in bed for the rest of the evening, all of the following day and much of the next. He heard various voices, heard the front door open and close multiple times as people came and went, but he didn’t get up. His mother and Olivia checked on him at regular intervals, trying to encourage him to at least eat something, but he pretended to be asleep until they left him alone again. He felt a twist of guilt every time he heard Mateo cry, but even still, Rafael couldn’t bring himself to get up and go to him. 

The clock on the nightstand read 6pm the next time Liv rapped lightly on the door. “Rafa?” she said softly, pushing it open cautiously. When he didn’t reply, she came further into the room and perched on the edge of the bed beside him. Rafael kept his eyes closed and tried to breathe evenly, but Liv obviously wasn’t fooled. 

“You can’t hide out in here forever.” 

“I’m not hiding.” He muttered, opening his eyes. He sounded petulant even to himself. Liv fixed him with a knowing look and he sighed, pushing himself up to a sitting position, still holding Jenna’s pillow tightly. “Its just, seeing all of Jen’s stuff and being here, without her. It’s hard,” He paused, looking away. “And when I look at my son, my heart breaks all over again. It’s not fair, Liv. He’ll never know his mother.”

“Sure he will.” Liv said with gentle certainty. “You can show him pictures and talk about her, we all have stories to share. We’ll make sure he knows how smart and funny and kind she was, how much she loved him. I know it’s not the same as having her here, but you can keep Jenna’s memory alive for him.”

“Maybe it’s better that he doesn’t remember her. He won’t know what he’s lost.” Rafael said quietly, gaze fixed on the pillow in his hands. “You can’t miss what you never had, right?”

Liv tilted her head, her brow furrowed. “You don’t mean that.” 

“Don’t I?” Rafael said sharply. “I wish I didn’t have to remember.”

“You don’t mean that either.” 

Rafael heaved another sigh, toying with a loose thread on the pillowcase. Liv was right. No matter how much it hurt, he wouldn’t ever want to forget Jenna. He would experience this pain a million times over rather than give up a single minute that he had spent with her. 

“No.” He admitted finally. “But I don’t.... I’m not sure I can...” he trailed off, looking lost.

“I know it’s hard right now and it’s going to take time, but you will get through this Rafael.” Olivia reassured him, stilling his anxious movements with her hand on top of his. He didn’t think so, but he didn’t say it out loud.

“You’re the strongest man I know. You can do this.” Oliva insisted, as though she had heard his thoughts. “Lets just take it one step at a time.” 

She gently tugged the pillow from his grasp, smoothing it out and placing it down on the bed as she stood. Then she held out her hand to help him up. “How about we start with dinner? You must be starving.”

He stared at Liv’s outstretched hand, his jaw working as if he were going to argue. Part of her almost hoped he would, it would be good to see him a little more like his usual self, but after a moments hesitation, he seemed to think better of it. He reached out to take her hand and allowed her to pull him to his feet. 

Rafael followed her down the hall, but he stopped when they reached the end. Lucia was across the room, swaying lightly on her feet and humming softly to Mateo who was propped up on her shoulder. When she caught sight of Rafael, she turned towards him. “Oh, look, mi niño,” she said to the baby mildly, “Tu Papi has finally decided to grace us with his presence.”

She raised an eyebrow at Rafael, daring him to challenge her on the passive aggressive dig. He bit his tongue, hard, and chose not to acknowledge it, mostly because he knew she had a point. Crossing the room, he reached out to take the baby from her, but she swatted his hands away. “_Mami_—“ 

“Sit.” She told him sternly, pushing him towards the dinner table with a firm hand. “You can hold him _after_ you eat.”

“I’m not even hungry.” He muttered exasperatedly.

“Oh, nonsense.” His mother said with a dismissive wave of her hand. Liv flashed him a rueful smile as she disappeared into the kitchen and Rafael huffed, sinking obediently into his seat at the table. As much as he resented being treated like a child in his own home, it really wasn’t worth the effort to resist his mother. He got his stubborn streak from her after all.

When Olivia reappeared, she was carrying a plate of his favourite Cuban food. It smelled amazing and he could tell without even tasting it that it was his abuelitas recipe. Liv placed the dish on the table in front of him and then both women sat down across from him, watching and waiting. He rolled his eyes, picking up his cutlery with an exaggerated flourish and taking a bite. It was delicious and despite of all his protesting to the contrary, he found that was in fact hungry. 

They sat together in silence as he ate, the two women watching him intently. He knew that their concern came from a place of love, but honestly, it was deeply irritating. He was relived when Oliva announced that it was time for her to be getting home to Noah. At least then he’d only have his mother’s brand of fussing to contend with. Liv squeezed his shoulder when she passed him on her way to the door, insisting he didn’t need to get up. As she was leaving, she assured both him and Lucia that she would return early the following day, unless she had to work, in which case Rita would be there in her place.

His mother walked Olivia to the door and he could hear them talking in hushed tones, though he couldn’t quite make out what was being said. He was finished with his meal by the time Lucia returned and it seemed she was satisfied, for now, as she handed Rafael the baby carefully when he gestured to take him. She stroked her hand through the hair at the nape of Rafael’s neck before she moved away to clear his plate. The sweet, familiar affection in her touch made his lips twitch up in the ghost of a smile, but it fell from his face when she spoke. 

“I’ve asked Father Michael to stop by tomorrow to speak with you.” Lucia said, much too causally, as she came back in from the kitchen.

Rafael gritted his teeth. “Why? I don’t want him here. I don’t need a priest.”

“He’s coming to discuss the arrangements, for the funeral. You can’t put it off forever Rafi.” His mother sighed, staring him down.

“I’m not putting it off.” He said, a little sharply. “I’ll make the arrangements, but not with Father Michael. We’re not having the funeral in a Catholic Church.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course we are. Where else would we have it?” Lucia insisted. “Honestly, sometimes I think you just enjoy being difficult.”

“_Mami, _no_. _Jenna wouldn’t want it. She wasn’t a practising Catholic, and neither am I. You know this.” He said firmly.

She did know and it had long been a bone of contention between them. Rafael had given up on the church as a teenager, when things had been particularly bad with his father, and Lucia had been trying ever since to convince him to go back to Mass. Jenna had her own reasons for her lapse in faith, but she had proven equally as stubborn as Rafael in avoiding her mother in laws attempts to get her to return to it. 

“Well, at least meet with Father Michael, _por favor_, just talk to him. Maybe he can help you.” His mother pleaded. 

“I don’t need his help!” Rafael snapped. His raised voice startled Mateo and the baby started to cry. Rafael got to his feet, bouncing him gently. Mateo cried louder.

“He likes it if you sway back and forth.” Lucia offered, reaching out to him. Rafael took a step back, away from her. 

“I know.” He muttered, but he didn’t. He had no idea what he was doing and even though he knew it was his own fault, it still hurt that someone else knew his son better than he did. “I’m not a child.” He huffed. “I don’t need you to interfere.” 

A look of hurt flashed across Lucia’s face before it was replaced by something hard. “Fine. If that’s how you feel, then I should go.” 

Mateo continued to wail as she started gathering her things. “_Mami_—“

“No, no. You don’t want my help, you’ve made that perfectly clear.” She sniffed, putting on her coat. “And you’re right, you are an adult. You don’t need your mami here _interfering_. You can do it all by yourself.”

Rafael felt a flare of panic that he was sure showed on his face. He couldn’t do it by himself, at least not right now. He could barely take care of himself, let alone an infant. He needed her and they both knew it, which is why she really had no intention of leaving. She was simply making a point. It was clear that she was waiting for an apology. 

Rafael was aware that she was manipulating him, but he was also aware that to get her to stay, he would have to swallow his pride and give her what she wanted.

“Mami, _por favor_, Lo siento.”

“Qué?” She pursed her lips, raising an eyebrow at him expectantly. 

He sighed, avoiding her eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I did. I appreciate all of your help. Please, don’t go.” He swayed back and forth on his feet as he spoke and Mateo finally quietened. 

“Well, I suppose I could stay.” She mused as she began to unbutton her coat. “But only because traffic will be a nightmare at this time of night.” She hung her coat back up and then moved to sit on the couch. Rafael followed her, reclining carefully so as not to disturb the now sleeping baby. They sat side by side and when she reached over to take his hand in hers, he knew that he was forgiven.

“Will you help me, to plan the service?” He asked quietly after a moment, meeting her eyes over the top of Mateo’s head. 

His mother’s features softened and she dropped all pretence of being upset with him. “Oh Rafi, yes, of course I will. You don’t have to ask.” She assured him, stroking her thumb across his knuckles.

He whispered his thanks as he dropped his head to rest on her shoulder. Tomorrow he would have to face funeral arrangements, but for tonight he would allow himself to be comforted, at least for a little while.


	10. I’m beside you ‘til the end

Rafael had settled on a private burial rather than a full catholic funeral, and although he knew his mother greatly disapproved, she wisely hadn’t challenged him on it again after their previous argument. In a bid to appease her some, he allowed her free reign over the finer details of the memorial service. What did it matter anyway? Rafael didn’t care about choosing flowers or music or catering, or whatever, it was all trivial bullshit as far as he was concerned.

His only stipulation was that he would do the eulogy himself. Public speaking was his bread and butter, he did it so often in his work that by now it was second nature. The circumstances were obviously different, but he was still fairly confident in his ability to deliver a speech. Forcing himself to actually sit down and write it was hard, but a bottle of scotch helped take the edge off a little bit. His biggest worry had been that thinking of what to say might prove difficult, but in reality he found that the opposite was true. Once he started, the words just seemed to pour out of him. He ended up with pages and pages, and he struggled to cut it short. As a eulogy, it was far too long, but really, how could he be expected to whittle down Jenna’s life, and his love for her, to just a few lines or paragraphs? 

They had decided it would be best not to take Mateo to the funeral. Olivia had arranged for Lucy to sit with him, as well as Noah and Jesse, at her apartment. She took the infant over there the night before, so that she could get him settled and he could get used to Lucy, before she left them for the day.

The morning of the memorial, Rafael could hardly bring himself to get out of bed. Even though he’d said goodbye at the hospital, and the rational part of his brain knew that Jenna was gone, having a funeral somehow made it all more real. He could no longer pretend that this was some terrible nightmare that he might wake up from. It meant truly acknowledging that Jenna wasn’t ever coming back and the finality of it was terrifying.

When he did manage to find the strength to get up, he only got as far as standing outside of the walk in closet, where he found himself hovering, still unable to go in. He had repeated this process every day since coming home from the hospital and he hadn’t been able to work up the courage to even open the door yet. Perhaps it was silly, but he just couldn’t face seeing all of Jenna’s things, perfectly folded or hanging neatly and never to be used again, beside his own. The thought of packing those things away was even more painful.

He stood for a long moment, contemplating the merits of attending the service n his pajamas. He eventually dismissed the idea. His mother would be furious and besides, he had avoided being seen wearing sweatpants in public his entire adult life and he certainly had no intention of starting now. No, perhaps he just shouldn’t go at all. 

“Rafael?” Rita knocked briskly on the door once, striding into the room without waiting for an answer. When she saw him still standing in his sleep clothes, she tsk’d at him. “Why aren’t you dressed?”

His eyes flitted to hers briefly, before returning to the closet in front of him. “I don’t have anything to wear.” He said helplessly, eyebrows knitted into a frown. “I’m not going.”

_“Not going? _Rafael. Don’t be ridiculous.” Rita scoffed sharply, “You own more suits than Brooks Brothers. We don’t have time for—“  
  
She cut herself off as her gaze followed his, to where it was still fixed on the closed closet door, and suddenly she understood. Her demeanor immediately softened.

“Go take a shower.” She instructed, pushing him towards the bathroom, her tone much gentler than before. “I’ll take care of it.”

He moved forward at her urging, but stopped at the door, turning back. “Rita?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you... the green... “ He said vaguely. He couldn’t finish the sentence, but it didn’t matter. Rita nodded, giving him a sad smile. She knew what he was trying to say.

He took a shower and briefly considered shaving, but decided against it. Jen had always liked his stubble, on the rare occasion he allowed it to grow. He had once grown a beard while they were on vacation and she loved it so much that she had encouraged him to keep it, but he had refused. He thought the clean shaven look was more professional for work. Now, he wished he had indulged her more. 

When he emerged from the bathroom, Rita had disappeared. Laid out on the bed was his smartest black suit and a crisp white Oxford shirt; and next to them, a dark green tie, suspenders and pocket square, and a pair of striped green socks. 

Jenna’s favorite color was green. She had told him this in passing on their third date, along with confessing to having a soft spot for his suspenders. A month or so later, he had happened upon this deep green set by chance and seeing them had made him think of her. So, he had bought them, along with the matching tie and pocket square. He had worn them on their next date and Jenna had made a point of telling him how much she loved the color on him. He had lamented the fact that he’d had to wear blue socks because he couldn’t find green ones in the right shade and she had laughed, agreeing that it was a very serious crime against fashion. 

They had gone home together that night, for the first time, and later, as they laid, sweaty and sated, tangled together in his sheets, he had thought to himself that he might be very much in danger of falling in love with her. 

Two days later, a package had been delivered to his office. Neatly folded inside the small, velvet gift box, was a single pair of striped green socks. Their forest green shade was a perfect match to the suspenders. It was such a simple gesture and yet at the same time, so thoughtful and so _Jenna_, that as he looked at the gift, Rafael’s throat had constricted with emotion. That was the moment when he had realised that there was no “might be” about it, he was completely and irrevocably in love with this woman.

He had worn the suspenders/tie/socks combo for every special occasion since. The first time he told Jenna he loved her, the night he proposed, when they had celebrated their impending parenthood, and every birthday and anniversary dinner in between. He had even worn the socks with his tuxedo, on their wedding day. Once he was partially dressed, he stood in front of the mirror and as he stared at the suspenders, he thought about how Jenna’s face would light up every single time she saw them. It only seemed right that he wear them to say this final goodbye. 

He fumbled with his tie, his hands shaking. Closing his eyes, he imagined Jenna coming up behind him, her appreciative gaze appraising him in the mirror, as she often did when he was getting dressed. “_Let me_.” She would murmur, looping her arms around him and resting her chin on his shoulder, as her fingers deftly knotted his tie into a perfect double Windsor. “_Careful, not too tight_.” He would say, and she would pull on his tie playfully. Then she would smile, eyes crinkling at the corners, smoothing her hand down his front and standing on tiptoe to press a kiss to his temple, before she released him. “_Perfect_.” 

A knock on the door brought him back from his reverie. It was time to go. He gave himself one final glance over, taking a deep steadying breath before he slipped on his jacket and buttoned it closed, as he moved towards the door. 

The day passed in a blur. Rafael had managed to make it through without breaking down, though he didn’t know how. He had requested a closed casket and he was glad he had, because he couldn’t have handled seeing Jenna like that. The place had been packed out, standing room only and Rafael wasn’t surprised. Jenna’s sunny disposition made it impossible to dislike her, everybody who met Jenna, loved her. Her kindness, optimism and enthusiasm for life was infectious, she saw the good in everything and everyone. 

He didn’t really remember giving the eulogy, but he knew he had and he knew he hadn’t cried. The rest was just a haze of sombre faces and grasping hands and condolences. If one more person told Rafael how sorry they were for his loss, or someone gave him yet another hug, he was going to scream. He couldn’t stand their sympathy and he was completely touched out. He just wanted it to be over. When it was, he had quickly retreated back to his bedroom and his solitude.

Only there, alone in the dark, had he finally allowed himself to cry.


	11. Everybody feels, everybody bleeds, everybody cries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Brace yourselves, more angst ahead!

Rafael hadn’t left the apartment at all in the month since the funeral. 

In the weeks that followed Jenna’s death, he had become deeply depressed. Although his friends and family formed a tight knit support system, he only got worse over time. It seemed that the more help that they provided, the further he sank into depression.

His mother had temporarily moved in and she immediately took charge of the household tasks. Olivia and Rita arranged their schedules between them, to make sure that one of them could be there to help most days, and Sonny came over almost every night. Amanda, and even Nick and Fin, all dropped by at regular intervals, running errands, helping with the baby and covering shifts to ensure Olivia and Sonny were able to be with Rafael. Carmen set up weekly grocery deliveries and a diaper service, and checked in with her boss twice a week, bringing coffee and pastries from Rafael’s favourite bakery. 

Rafael was uncharacteristically quiet, becoming increasingly sullen and withdrawn with each day that passed. He spent his days dozing on the couch or locked away in the bedroom by himself. He was good with Mateo but only in short doses. It was clear that he loved his son, but he was easily overwhelmed and as a result, he tended to leave the majority of the baby’s care to others as much as he possibly could. He was drinking too much and eating too little, and he wasn’t sleeping, spending all night pacing the apartment instead. He wouldn’t go out. Most days he wouldn’t even entertain the idea of getting dressed. 

Any attempts to coax him into doing anything at all were met with open hostility and his temper was proving to be a problem, boiling over at the slightest provocation.

He had always been independent and he was not a particularly social creature by nature, so having people in his living space 24/7, constantly fussing over him, made Rafael feel suffocated. Add to that his current emotional state and a natural inclination towards obstinance, and it was no wonder that he had developed such a short fuse. Unfortunately, that had inevitably led to clashes with the well meaning, but equally strong willed, women who surrounded him. Minor disagreements morphed into larger upsets until, over the space of just a few days, Rafael managed to have major fall outs with all three of them. 

Lucia had tried to broach the subject of Rafael returning to work at some point. He had always loved his job and she had thought that being back in that environment, keeping busy and having something else to focus on, might help him regain some semblance of his life. He had refused to discuss it, but she had continued to push the subject, demanding he at least think about it. She even asked Carmen to have Jack McCoy call him, in an effort to persuade him. Rafael had been furious. The resulting argument had been one of epic proportions. 

He had reacted in much the same way, when, since he was struggling so much and still steadfastly avoiding the closet even a month down the line, Olivia had gently suggested that it might be time to start packing up some of Jenna’s things. To say the conversation had gone badly would be an understatement.

Sonny had arrived just in time to witness the aftermath of a similar argument with Rita, though he couldn’t even begin to guess what had started this one. 

Rafael stormed from the room just as Sonny came in. Rita was pulling on her coat with short, angry movements. “He’s all yours.” She muttered as she brushed past Sonny on her way out. “Have fun.”

When Rita left, stopping just short of slamming the door, Sonny found Rafael in the kitchen. “What the hell was that about?”

Rafael didn’t offer a response. He didn’t even acknowledge Sonny’s presence in the doorway. Sonny crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame, watching as Rafael stomped around the small space, slamming dishes and cabinet doors and muttering angrily under his breath in rapid Spanish. 

Sighing in frustration, Sonny rubbed a hand over his face tiredly. “Y’know, I’m gettin’ pretty sick of this attitude, Raf.” 

“_You’re_ sick of —“ Rafael threw the glass he was holding into the empty sink forcefully, shattering it without even flinching, and turned to face Sonny, eyebrows raised in disbelief. “I don’t have an attitude.” He huffed. “And I don’t need this right now. Apparently you’ve all forgotten, but my wife just died!”

“I get that you’re hurting, I understand—“

“No, you really don’t.”

“Sure I do. What, you think you’re the only one around here who misses her? The only one who’s broken up about her bein’ gone? ‘Cause I can guarantee you that you’re not.” Sonny said mildly.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re right, I’m so sorry. You poor thing, you must really be suffering and here I was, thinking that_ I _was the widower.” He scoffed angrily, throwing up his hands. “I wasn’t thinking about how hard this must be for _you_ at all. How very selfish of me!”

“See, that right there, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.” Sonny pushed off the door frame, taking a few steps further into the kitchen as his own temper began to rise. He jabbed a finger in Rafael’s direction. “You’re not the only one who loved Jenna and you’re not the only one who lost her. So I’m done givin’ you a free pass on actin’ like a dick.”

Rafael’s eyes narrowed into a murderous glare. “You’re on dangerous ground here Carisi.” He warned darkly, folding his arms across his chest. “If you think I want to hear about you being In love with _my wife_, you’re very much mistaken.”

Sonny made an exasperated sound. “That’s not what I’m sayin’ and you know it.”

“Isn’t it?” Rafael snapped. “Sounds like it to me.”

“Jenna was my best friend, so yeah, I loved her, Rafael. Not in the way that you’re implying and not like you did, but I still cared about her and it still hurts me that she’s gone.” Sonny admitted. “You don’t have the monopoly on grief. Jenna wasn’t only yours to mourn.”

“I know that.” Rafael muttered, eyes closed and fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. “Everyone loved Jenna.”

“They did, and those same people love you too, Raf. We’re all here for you, but it’s been weeks. You can’t go on like this. You’re grieving and you’re angry, I get that, but you need to find a way to deal with it, you can’t keep lashing out all the time. ‘Cause right now, with the way you’re going, eventually you’re just gonna drive everyone away.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that my grief had a shelf life. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone with my mourning. Tell me, how long exactly would be acceptable to you? Is a month enough or is that too long, in your opinion?” Rafael’s tone dripped with sarcasm, his voice climbing an octave in barely restrained anger, unintentionally proving Sonny’s point. “I suppose, to be safe, I’d better just get over it now, huh? It’s probably about time, anyway. I mean, after all, it’s been _weeks_!” He clicked his tongue. “_Jesus_— of all the stupid fucking things—“

“I didn’t mean — I’m not saying you should “get over it”. Of course not. Grief doesn’t work like that. There’s no time limit, but you need to start moving forward sometime, Rafael.”

_“I can’t_.”

“You can.” Sonny insisted. “You have to. You don’t have a choice. You can’t just wallow in it forever. Jenna wouldn’t want that.”

“Don’t you dare try to tell me what Jenna would want.” Rafael hissed.

“Okay, then. How about you tell me?” Sonny asked. “Jenna loved you so much, more than anything else in this world. You think she’d want you to be miserable and angry for the rest of your life? You think that’s what she’d want for you? Don’t you think she’d want you to be happy?”

“Don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter! Jenna is _dead_.” Rafael yelled, voice wavering. “She’s gone and she’s never coming back.”

“You’re right, Jenna’s gone. But you’re not. You’re still here, and so is Mateo.” Sonny’s voice rose steadily in volume to match Rafael’s. “That little boy needs you. You’re his father, you got a responsibility to be there for him. To build a life for him.” 

“You think I don’t know that?! I’m trying.” 

Sonny shook his head slightly, chewing on his lip. “No, you’re not. Not really. You’re too busy bein’ self destructive and feeling sorry for yourself.” 

Rafael glowered at him. “I am _not_—“

“Yeah. You are.” Sonny interrupted, meeting Rafael’s gaze levelly. “Y’know what I think? I think you’re scared. You’ve always been so good at compartmentalising, but you can’t do that now, you gotta deal with your emotions and you don’t know how. So you’re hiding instead, like a coward and you’re keeping your son at arms length, ‘cause you’re afraid you won’t be a good father. Can’t fail if you never even try in the first place, right?”

“Well thank you, Dr Carisi, for that compelling psychoanalysis!” Rafael spat. “Clearly you missed your calling as a dime store therapist.”

“I’m not wrong though, am I?” Sonny muttered harshly. “If Jenna were here, we both know she’d agree with me.”

Rafael looked away, his jaw clenching, but he said nothing.

“You’re lettin’ her down and you know it. Maybe it’s a good thing that Jen can’t see you right now, ‘cause she’d be real disappointed in you.” 

Rafael visibly flinched, his eyes snapping back to meet Sonny’s and his expression contorting in pain, as if Sonny had physically slapped him. Sonny had been aiming for tough love, but he’d missed the mark by a mile and he wished desperately that he could take the words back. He hadn’t intended to say something so cruel.

“Raf— I’m sorry, I didn’t mean —“

“_Get out_.” Rafael whispered lowly. His green eyes shone with unshed tears and his voice trembled, but the venom in his tone was unmistakable. 

Sonny reached out to put a hand on Rafael’s arm but he shook him off, recoiling from Sonny’s touch like he’d been burned. “Please — Rafael — I’m sorry, I was outta line, I—“

Rafael strode past him, out of the kitchen and down the hall, and Sonny followed. Reaching the front door, Rafael wrenched it open with enough force to almost pull it from its hinges.

“Get. _Out_.”

When Sonny passed him in the doorway, Rafael refused to look at him. Sonny turned back as he stepped over the threshold, still trying to apologise but he didn’t even get a word out before Rafael slammed the door in his face. 


	12. I’ll help you find

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: TRIGGER WARNING- Suicidal thoughts / Mentions of suicidal ideation. I’ve updated the tags to reflect this.
> 
> I’m sorry, this is hugely angsty and depressing. I promise we’re about to turn a corner though, I feel like I’ve probably tortured poor Rafael enough 🙈

For the first time since Jenna died, Rafael was completely alone. After his arguments with his mother and Liv, they had both decided to go home for a few days in order to give Rafael some space. Lucia had offered to take Mateo with her and Rafael hadn’t protested, because it was clear to everyone that he wasn’t currently in the right headspace to care for the infant on his own. Now Rita and Sonny were gone too. He had thought that he wanted some time on his own, but now that it was a reality, he wasn’t so sure. Truthfully, he felt worse than ever. Shaking with anger, he held back the tears threatening to fall by sheer force of will. He scrubbed at his face with both hands as he turned back into the empty apartment. He needed a drink.

He made his way back to the kitchen. Ignoring the tears clouding his vision and the broken glass in the sink, he searched the cabinets for a bottle of scotch. When he finally found it, he was disappointed to see that it was practically empty. He unscrewed the cap and downed what was left straight from the bottle. It wasn’t nearly enough. He wanted to drink until it didn’t hurt anymore, until he couldn’t think or feel or even remember his own name.

He threw the empty bottle into the trash and weighed his options. If he wanted more scotch he’d have to go out. The nearest bar was just a few blocks away, but at 9pm on a Friday night, it would likely be crowded. The bodega down the street was a slightly more viable option, but there was no way he’d be able to avoid a conversation with its well meaning proprietor, so that was out too. He renewed his search of the kitchen cabinets instead. There had to be some more alcohol there, somewhere. 

The full bottle of rum he eventually uncovered had probably been in the back of the cabinet for upwards of three years, an unwanted gift from some colleague or other in the DAs office who didn’t know him very well - Rafael never usually drank rum. Especially not cheap rum, but since it was that or nothing, he was willing to make an exception.

He retrieved a tumbler, then took it and the rum with him as he moved back to the living room. He set the tumbler down on the coffee table and opened the bottle, pouring himself a generous measure. He swallowed the contents of the glass without ceremony and then topped it back up - this time twice as full - as he settled down on the couch. His phone was vibrating on the table, screen lit up with dozens of notifications. He ignored it. 

He continued to seethe as he drank, getting up again to pace the floor angrily, replaying what Sonny had said over and over in his mind. It wasn’t until he’d finished his third drink that he was willing to admit to himself that the reason Sonny’s words had hurt him so much, was because there was more than a grain of truth to them. 

He came to a halt abruptly in front of the mantle, his eyes drawn to the framed pictures of himself and Jenna there. He set down his glass and picked up one of the frames, running a hand over the picture it held. It was one of his favorites, a candid shot from their wedding day. 

In the photo, Rafael was standing behind Jenna, his arms wrapped around her waist and his face mostly buried in the crook of her shoulder. His lips were curved into a smile where they pressed against her skin. Jenna’s left hand overlapped his, their matching wedding bands on full display. She was laughing, her head tilted down towards him, nose scrunched up and eyes alight with joy. He couldn’t remember the exact moment the photo had been taken, but he remembered the sound of Jenna’s laughter and the way that he’d felt that day, so happy and so completely in love that he’d thought his heart might burst. He would never feel that way again, now that she was gone.

He missed her so much, but he was angry with her too. She had abandoned him. She had left him here alone. He stared at the photograph for a long time, until fat, hot tears rolled down his cheeks and his shoulders shook with repressed sobs. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t part of the plan. When they’d said “Til death do us part” he’d meant _his_ death. He was older by almost a decade, he wasn’t supposed to outlive her. He was so lost without her. Jenna would have known what to do if their roles were reversed, she wouldn’t have fallen apart, if he had died instead of her. He wished that he had. He hugged the picture to his chest, squeezing it so tightly in his hands that the wooden frame buckled. The glass cracked and splintered, slicing into the soft flesh of his fingers and the palm of his hand. Blood seeped from the shallow wounds, staining his sweater and dripping onto the floor, but he barely registered it.

Sonny was right. He _was_ letting Jenna down, and not just her. He was letting everyone down. He was nothing but a burden to everyone around him. He thought about the fight he’d had with his mother, with Liv and Rita. The awful things he’d said to them. They had done so much for him, rearranging their whole lives to help him, and he had repaid them by throwing it back in their faces. 

Then there was his son. Mateo deserved so much more than anything Rafael could ever offer him. He needed to be raised by someone who actually knew what they were doing. Rafael didn’t know the first thing about being a good father. He’d thought he could do it, with Jenna’s help, but without her... he couldn’t even take care of himself. He was a train wreck. Mateo would be better off without him, he would only fuck it up.

His phone lit up again, briefly interrupting his spiraling dark thoughts, the incessant buzz causing it to skitter ever closer to the edge of the table. He snatched it up before it could fall to the floor, glancing at the screen. _Twelve messages, four voicemails, twenty three missed calls_. He switched the phone off, tossing it back down on the table along with the blood stained picture frame, then poured himself another drink. _How many was that - Five? Six? _\- the bottle was more than half empty now, but he didn’t feel the numbness he’d been hoping for. Instead of dulling his pain, the alcohol only seemed to make it more acute. 

His grief was a physical force. It was agonizing and all consuming, like an anvil on his chest, slowly and inevitably crushing him. His heart ached with the weight of it and every breath felt restricted, like he couldn’t get enough air no matter how hard his lungs worked. He just wanted it to stop. 

He took another mouthful of rum, the cheap liquor burning the back of his throat. It didn’t help. He knew that even if he drank the whole bottle, he’d only wake up tomorrow, terribly hungover and feeling just as miserable as he did right now. He was so tired of it. He had always been a fighter, never gave up easily, but he didn’t want to fight anymore, to struggle through. He had tried and now he was ready to admit defeat. He was done. Every day that he lived without Jenna was one too many.

Pushing himself unsteadily to his feet, Rafael stumbled to the bathroom. He steadfastly avoided his bleary eyed reflection in the mirror as he opened the medicine cabinet to find the Ambien. His doctor had prescribed it months earlier, when he’d been having trouble sleeping. He had filled the prescription but then he’d only used it a few times, ultimately deciding that the morning after side effects were worse than the insomnia. That wouldn’t matter now.

His alcohol fogged brain and blood slicked hands made it a struggle to open the child-proof cap. He fumbled when he finally managed it, cursing as he accidentally spilled the contents of the pill bottle into the sink. Most of the pills were lost to the drain but he managed to rescue a few. He held them tightly in his fist, careful not to drop any more as he made his way back to the couch. He set them down on the coffee table so he could count them.

_Nine_. He wondered if that would be enough. If he was going to do this, he’d only get one shot. He couldn’t risk getting it wrong. He picked up the pills one by one, placing them in his open palm as he deliberated. _Maybe, combined with the rest of the rum....._

A sudden pounding on the door startled him. He stared at the Ambien in his hand guiltily, waiting for the uninvited visitor to go away. It quickly became clear that whoever it was had no intention of leaving however, as their knocking only became more insistent. Rafael sighed heavily, tipping the handful of pills back onto the table and reluctantly hauling himself up.

When he swung the door open, he found an irritated looking Nick Amaro standing on the other side. Rafael’s eyebrows knitted in confusion. “Amaro? What’re you doing here?” He mumbled.

“Carisi said you two had a fight and you weren’t answering your phone. Liv asked me to check up on you.” Nick offered in gruff explanation. “She’s worried about you.” 

He brushed past Rafael into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. Rafael felt a spike of panic, but he was too slow to stop him, his reaction time greatly reduced by the flow of alcohol in his blood stream. He was unable to do anything except follow behind and watch as Nick surveyed the room with the trained eye of a detective, taking in Rafael’s inebriated state and bloodied hands, along with the broken picture frame and the almost empty bottle of rum sitting on the coffee table. The incriminating pills were just out of sight behind it and Rafael’s pulse quickened at the thought of being caught.

Nick turned to regard him, clear concern written on his face. “What did you do?” He asked. His tone was even, but still, Rafael heard the accusation there.

“Nothing!” Rafael squeaked, realizing too late just how defensive he sounded. His voice was about two octaves too high to be at all believable. He cleared his throat, “I’m fine.” He insisted.

“You’re bleeding.” Nick frowned. Rafael looked down at his hands, blinking in mild surprise when he realized Nick was right. Nick reached out without warning, grasping Rafael tightly by the forearm and pushing up the blood soaked sleeve of his sweater.

“I didn’t slit my wrists.” Rafael muttered angrily, jerking his arm back. Nick let him go but he looked unconvinced. 

Rafael gestured towards the broken frame. “It was an accident. It doesn’t even hurt.” 

Nick moved towards the table, picking up the rum bottle and holding it up to see how little was left. “That’s hardly a surprise.” He grunted, raising an eyebrow at Rafael pointedly. 

Rafael shifted on his feet nervously, his eyes unconsciously darting from the bottle in Nick’s hand, to the table and away again. Nick followed his line of sight, eyes narrowing as they landed on the pills. He bent down to scoop them up. “What are these?” He asked, frown deepening as he examined them. “Did you take any?”

Rafael could only stare at him stupidly while his intoxicated brain tripped over itself in an effort to form an appropriate lie. 

“_Barba_.” Nick grabbed him by the shoulder, shaking him hard. “Did you take these? How many?” He demanded. 

“I— None.” Rafael finally managed, the words slurring together on his tongue. “I didn’t. I was just....” He trailed off lamely. _I was just about to before you got here._ He looked away, his cheeks burning with shame.

Nick squinted suspiciously at him, as if he wasn’t quite sure he believed him, but he loosened his grip on Rafael’s shoulder all the same. “_Jesus_.” He muttered under his breath. “You’re lucky you’re not—“

Rafael snorted at that. “_Lucky_. Right.” He felt Nick’s eyes on him and he kept his own locked on the floor, suddenly unable to meet the other man’s gaze. He couldn’t have felt more pathetic.

“Wait. Were you _trying_ to—“

_Yes_. “No.” Rafael said.

Nick gave him that look again, like he knew Rafael was lying. He didn’t call him out on it, but Rafael felt exposed anyway, like a raw nerve. He tried to snatch the bottle of rum from Nick’s hand, but Nick was too fast for him. He twisted away, holding it out of reach and Rafael lost his balance, pitching forward. He would have fallen on his face if Nick hadn’t caught him. “I think you’ve had more than enough.” Nick chided. “Sit down. I’ll help you clean up.”

Rafael scowled at him. “I don’t want—“ 

“I’m not asking.” Nick told him firmly, pressing Rafael backwards with a hand on his chest. Rafael huffed unhappily as he dropped down on to the couch.

Nick went to the kitchen, taking the Ambien and what was left of the rum with him. Rafael heard the sound of glass clinking, followed by the garbage disposal running briefly and Nick talking quietly, presumably on the phone. Then he swept back through the room and down the hall to the bathroom. Rafael heard him rummaging around in the medicine cabinet. When he returned, he brought with him a bowl of warm water, a clean washcloth and towel, antiseptic cream and gauze bandages. He set the supplies down on the table and then perched himself on the edge, facing Rafael. 

Rafael chanced a glance up at him, only to find Nick watching him closely. He was surprised to see compassion rather than contempt in the other man’s expression. 

“Look, I uhh... I know I’m not great at sharing my feelings or whatever, but.... if you want to talk, I’m here. I can listen.” Nick said quietly. His tone was soft, much softer than Rafael would have thought the surly detective capable of and Rafael almost told him the truth then, but the words caught in his throat.

Nick stared at him for a moment, giving Rafael a chance to speak, but he only shook his head very slightly. _No_. Tears pricked his eyes and he pressed his mouth together in a thin line to stop his bottom lip from trembling. 

“Okay.” Nick tipped his head in understanding. “I called Liv to let her know I was here. You want me to get her to come over?” He asked, dipping the washcloth in the water and wringing it out. 

Rafael shook his head harder this time. “She doesn’t want to see me.” He mumbled, more to himself than anything. _God, he’d really fucked things up with Liv. And Rita. And Sonny. And his mother.... They were never going to forgive him._

Nick frowned. “Actually, she thought you wouldn’t want to see _her_. She didn’t want to upset you.” _Oh_.

“So she sent _you_?” Rafael quirked an eyebrow.

Nick’s lips twitched in a smile. “What are you trying to say counselor?”

Rafael leaned back and closed his eyes, letting his head loll back on the couch cushion. “We’re not exactly friends.” 

“Sure we are.” Nick said easily. His touch was surprisingly gentle as he cleaned the blood from Rafael’s injured hands.

Rafael hummed in disagreement. “Pretty sure you hate me.”

Nick was silent for a few beats. When Rafael cracked an eyelid to look at him, Nick’s frown had returned. “You really think that?” He questioned, shifting where he sat on the edge of the table.

Rafael lifted one shoulder in a careless shrug and an odd look passed over Nick’s face. “I don’t hate you, Barba.”

Rafael chuckled humorlessly. “Well, then you’re the only one.” 

“That’s not true.” Nick used the towel to pat Rafael’s hands dry, first one and then the other, checking them over carefully for any glass shards in the cuts. 

“Yes it is. Everyone’s mad at me.” Rafael muttered sadly. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’m kind of an asshole.” He added in a stage whisper.

Nick let out a surprised bark of laughter. “Kind of?” He joked and one corner of Rafael’s mouth lifted in an imitation of a smile, but it didn’t even come close to reaching his eyes. He winced as Nick began applying antiseptic cream to the cuts on his fingers.

“They’re only mad because they care about you.” Nick assured him. “They’ll forgive you.” 

“I doubt it, but it doesn’t matter anyway.” Rafael sighed tiredly. 

Nick didn’t know what to say. He had never seen the confident ADA look so vulnerable.   
He took Rafael’s other hand, applying more antiseptic to the larger cut across his palm and Rafael hissed in pain. 

“Sorry.” Nick murmured, wrapping a gauze bandage over the injury. Rafael sat in silence, staring at his bandaged hands as Nick set about tidying everything away, sweeping up the broken glass and cleaning the blood from the floor. He threw the mangled frame in the trash, but not before rescuing the picture, which he carefully wiped clean.

“Thanks.” Rafael mumbled softly when Nick was done. 

Nick shrugged. “Don’t mention it.” He said, as he took a seat next to Rafael on the couch. Rafael glanced up at Nick briefly before shifting his gaze back down to his hands. “You don’t have to stay.” 

Nick nodded, looking Rafael over. “I know.” He said simply, as he settled himself more comfortably on the couch and switched on the tv, flipping idly through the channels. 


End file.
